


Lies & Trust

by slight_Ichatrina_obsessed_sleepyfangirl



Category: Sleepy Hollow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Frustration, Lies, Secrets, Sexual Content, Trust Issues, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-12 11:35:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2108367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slight_Ichatrina_obsessed_sleepyfangirl/pseuds/slight_Ichatrina_obsessed_sleepyfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Issues of trust arise between the Cranes after their subsequent escapes from Purgatory and the grave. Heavy, heavy angst throughout.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will have four parts to it. I wrote it as a one-shot, but it kept getting longer and longer, so I decided to break it down. Enjoy...or, well, it's angsty, so I'm not sure if that's the word I need to use. Anyway... ;)

_Part 1_

Self-doubt.

It was a, for the most part, foreign feeling to her. As a young girl and woman, she'd always been so sure of herself and her surroundings. Everything had had its place, its purpose. But now, in this century, she had found everything to be turned upside down. The world had changed drastically since her banishment to Purgatory two centuries earlier. No longer was she sure of her purpose.

It wasn't just her surroundings that had changed, she had learned to deal with that fairly quickly, but the people as well. What was considered appropriate now was a far cry from what was accepted in her own time. The way people spoke to one another, even the language they used, was completely different. Transportation, clothing, and even the food was a foreign concept to her.

But all of this paled in comparison to the changes she had found in her husband. Before, in their time, they'd shared something special, a bond that went well beyond the physical. They'd had the ability to practically read each other's minds, speak on any matter knowing full well what the other thought of it. They're connection had been unique, their love going so deep that no word could be found to properly describe it.

No more though. It wasn't just the fact that they barely spoke, but that he so rarely even looked at her, much less touched her. It was a major adjustment for her. He'd always admired her, his stare constantly on her, his hands not far behind. Now, though, as they lay in bed at night, he'd adjust himself at the very edge of the bed, as far from her as he could manage. That was, when he even came to bed at all. Many nights had passed where he simply pretended to fall asleep on the sofa in front of the hearth.

When he bothered to come home and actually share a meal with her, they ate in silence, only the occasional inquiry into the other's day passing between them.

At first, when all had calmed after their subsequent escapes from peril, she had thought things would be alright, that after they talked, they could begin anew. That, however, had not happened. No talk. No new beginning. Only silence and avoidance greeted her new life. She was unsure what had caused such a rift between them. Of course, she had known that they would have things to work out. In the time between his awakening and her deliverance from Purgatory, all had seemed as if it would be alright between them. He'd loved her still, despite everything. He had wanted to rescue her and be with her. He'd sworn it.

But after his escape from the grave, he'd changed toward her, become indifferent. He acted as though he could barely stand to be in her presence.

In the archives, as they investigated different leads with Miss Mills, she often found herself watching them, their easy manner with one another. It was a comfort that he and she no longer shared. Abbie was his confidant now, his sole shoulder to lean on. It bothered her in a most profound way, the intimacy they shared. At first, she had seen it as friendship, very close friendship. There had been no jealousy on her part other than the fact that Miss Mills had been there for him for months where she could not. Then, ever so slowly, she felt the sting of envy begin to creep upon her. She's thought it ridiculous the first time she realized what it was she was feeling. They were the Witnesses. They're bond was supposed to be strong. Eventually, though, it became worse, only fueled by Ichabod's indifference and absence. She would lie awake at night, imagining the absolute worst possible scenarios.

The idea that Ichabod would ever betray her physically only ever entered her mind for a moment as she would quickly banish it as soon as it appeared. No. He would never do that. It was the emotional betrayal that haunted her. At times, she almost wished it was the former. Ichabod laying with another for purely physical reasons was much more preferable to her than him being emotionally entangled with another. However, the longer she dwelled, the more she worried.

His lack of communication with her was tearing her apart inside. Of course, on the outside, she kept up the façade of the perfectly in tune witch. She aided them in many a mission, saved their lives numerous times. Miss Mills was forever grateful, offering her thanks and gratitude that they had her on their side. She found that she actually liked Abigail Mills and could see why Ichabod adored her so. Her husband, on the other hand, never uttered the first thank you. All the healing spells she'd cast over him in the last couple of months had went unappreciated. It was fine really. She had never been the type of person that required one to fall to their knees in praise. Lately, however, a little acknowledgement from him, even the smallest of smiles, would lift her up in the greatest way.

Tonight, though, she planned to be rid of the self-doubt clinging to her. It was past time for her and Ichabod to talk. She knew he was angry and he had every right to be. She'd kept so much from him. There were things he still didn't know and she wasn't entirely sure she'd ever share. Things that would devastate him to learn. The knowledge of her he did have, though, was something she could work through. She did have legitimate reasons for her secrets. It wasn't just her fear of burning or rejection from him that had always stayed her words, but fear for his own life.

She and her coven had decided from the beginning, even before she knew him, that it was best to keep him in the dark. It wasn't that he was untrustworthy, but that it was simply easier to protect him that way. After she'd grown to know and, more importantly, love him, she'd realized they'd made the right decision. Ichabod's overwhelming curiosity and thirst for knowledge would have led him down too many dangerous paths. None of this was even to mention the fact of what would have been his complete and utter refusal to ever allow her out of his sight again had he known the danger she constantly faced. He'd always had such a burning desire to protect her. For someone to even speak of her in the slightest, less than kind, way would set his temper loose, especially when it concerned her.

The door to the cabin opening interrupted her thoughts.

As he walked in, she glanced to the clock on the wall. Three a.m.

When his eyes found her sitting at the table, he noticeably tensed.

"Katrina...what are you doing awake?"

She shrugged, her eyes finding her hands. "I couldn't sleep. I was worried about you."

His feet shuffled at the door and she glanced up to find him removing his coat, the same coat he wore every day. While she had adapted to the clothing this century had to offer, Ichabod still had not. He completely refused, something that often brought a smile to her face. He'd always been so stubborn.

"I was with the Lieutenant. We were going over some things." He turned toward her. "You could have called."

Her eyes fell again. "I didn't want to bother you."

Silence passed between them.

"Yes, well, it's late, I think I'll-"

"Do you no longer love me?"

She could no longer stand the question that plagued her thoughts. Months of self-doubt was long enough.

Glancing up to him, she found him staring at her, mouth slightly agape.

With a shaky breath, she continued. "I'm sorry to be so...I just need to know." She paused, trying to find the right words. "I won't blame you if you don't. It's understandable if...if you no longer..." She couldn't repeat it. "I can't live like this anymore, Ichabod. It's as if we're strangers forcing ourselves to live under the same roof."

After a moment, his eyes dropped to his boots. "I don't know."

Her breath hitched and she felt tears beginning to build, but she did her best to force them back.

"Oh."

She heard his sigh from across the room. "Must we have this conversation now? It's the middle of the night."

Shaking her head, she twisted her hands together painfully in her lap. "I'm not sure there's going to be a better time to have this discussion, nor do I believe I can go another day with this uncertainty hanging between us."

With a heavy breath, he dropped to sit across from her.

"What do you want me to say, Katrina?"

She caught his eyes. "The truth."

One of his eyebrows shot up. "The truth? That's a rather odd request coming from you."

His shot at her hit its mark causing her eyes to drop to his hands.

"You have every right to be angry-"

"I'm not angry," he cut in.

Confused, she looked to him once more. "I don't understand."

He shrugged, his hands fiddling with a glass on the table. "I honestly don't know how I feel. My life has been completely torn apart. Everything I thought I knew is a lie."

"That's not true."

His eyes came back to her. "You were a lie."

Untold hurt passed through her. "I didn't lie to you. I just...didn't tell you everything."

With a chuckle, he dropped his head to his hands causing her to frown. What he could possibly find to chuckle about was lost to her.

"I was recently informed that a half truth is still a whole lie." He glanced back up at her. "You lied to me. The entire time we knew each other, from the day we met, you were lying, manipulating me."

"No," she objected, desperately wishing he would understand. "I wasn't. Everything I did was to help you, to guide you."

He stood abruptly. "You should have just told me!"

It was clear things were getting out of hand. They weren't going to get anywhere by screaming at each other. "I couldn't tell you."

A look of sorrow passed over his features. "Why not, Katrina? I am your husband. You swore to me, you swore to love me."

She shook her head, imploring him to understand. "I do love you, Ichabod. I love you more than anything."

"You don't lie to the people you love."

"Do you think I wanted this? That I wanted to keep anything from you? You were, and are, everything to me. You are the only good thing that has ever happened to me, the only light I've ever had."

"That is not an excuse, Katrina!" He closed his eyes for a moment as he leaned against the counter. With a sigh, he whispered, "Were you ever going to tell me?"

Eyes falling to her hands, she felt her tears finally escaping. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Glancing back up at him, she found him staring at her as though she were a stranger. "Tell me, my darling wife, would you have forced our son to lie to me as well? Had I not fallen that day and we continued our life together?"

"Ichabod...I-" She honestly didn't know what she would have done. It would have been nearly impossible to hide powers such as Jeremy had from him.

Allowing her eyes to fall closed, she shook her head, unable to answer.

"It's late and I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

As he moved passed her, she reached out for his hand, gently grasping it in her own. "Ichabod, please..."

He paused at her touch, but his eyes remained fixed on the bedroom door.

Desperation was beginning to cling to her. "I made a mistake and I've hurt you. I'll never be able to take that back, but...I love you. I love you so much."

"The Lieutenant will be here early. I need sleep."

Pulling his hand from her, he finished making his way to the other room. As the door closed behind him, she released the sob she'd been holding back, feeling her world crumble around her. She'd had everything so thought out, the explanation for her lies, the reasons behind her secrets. The moment he'd walked in the door, however, they'd all flown from her. As her head sank to her arms on the table, she allowed her tears to fall freely at the overwhelming distance between she and her beloved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was fun and it only gets cheerier. Hope it wasn't too terrible :)


	2. Chapter 2

_Part 2_

A shuffling noise brought her awake. Blinking a few times to adjust to the light, she noticed it was still dark out, the only light being the one coming from the hearth. When she turned her head to check the time, she nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of Ichabod kneeling on the floor beside the couch.

Sitting up, she brought a hand to her eyes trying to wake herself up.

"Ichabod, what's wrong?"

He was silent for a moment as he stared at her before he stood and held out a hand to her. Frowning, she glanced from his hand to his eyes.

"Come to bed."

Confusion swept through her. "I don't understand. I thought-"

"I don't want to talk anymore. I just...Katrina, please, just come to bed."

He sounded completely defeated and looked as though he were exhausted.

Hesitantly nodding, she accepted his hand and allowed him to lead her into the bedroom. When they were both inside, he released her hand and turned to close the door before making his way to lay down on his side of the bed.

Taking a deep breath, she moved around to her side and slid beneath the covers. She had to admit, the bed was much more comfortable than the sofa in the sitting room.

For a long while, she attempted to fall back to sleep, but her mind wouldn't permit it. Instead, she occupied herself by staring at the wall across from her, the shadows from the window dancing along it.

She was unaware of how much time had passed when she felt the bed shift and his arm wrap around her waist, his front pressing against her back. Thoroughly shocked, she tensed as his breath brushed over her neck setting her body on edge.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

She wanted to turn and face him, but she was too scared that any movement would cause him to pull from her.

"I want to go back home."

Eyes sliding closed at the sadness she heard in his voice, she reached down to thread her fingers through his and bring their hands to her chest.

"The world I lived in there was so much more welcoming than this one. Even in the midst of war, everything was simpler there. I was happy. I was happy with you, in our home. Apart from the war, my only concern was being with you, creating a family with you, growing old with you."

His body tightened around hers. "Since I awoke, all I've wanted is you here with me. I was so driven to free you that I barely gave myself time to pause and actually consider all that had happened. Then, I learned of Jeremy and it pained me so to know that I'd never know him, that I'd never look upon his face. Why is everything I ever wanted here, yet...still at arm's length?"

His question didn't sound as if it required an answer. She felt he was really just speaking aloud, but his words were tearing her apart.

"I can barely stand to be in this house with you."

Her breath hitched as she found herself once again holding back tears.

"I spend all my time with Abbie, making up reasons to avoid you, to avoid facing reality."

Finally finding her words, she whispered. "What reality?"

"That you're no longer the center of my world."

Heart breaking, she nodded.

His face buried even further into the hair about her neck. "I'm not trying to hurt you, I just...I want to be honest with you." He was quiet for a moment. "I swear I didn't mean to act this way toward you, not intentionally anyway. I suppose I was just trying to protect myself. If I didn't allow myself to get close to you, you couldn't hurt me again." His sigh slid across her neck as his fingers tightened around hers. "Every time you speak to me, I feel as though I need to check the truth of your words. I no longer have the blind faith in you I once did."

"I didn't ask you to put me on a pedestal."

"I know, but I did. I loved you so completely and recklessly. I would have done anything you asked of me. It wasn't healthy, or normal."

It was the way he said it that caused a bit of anger begin to fill her. Untangling herself from him, she turned over to face him, barely able to make his eyes out in the dark room.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Katrina-"

"You think I did something to you? A spell?"

"Did you?"

Her breathing changed as her anger felt ready to burst. Throwing back her covers, she made to climb out of the bed, wanting distance from him. Summoning her magic, she lit a candle at the bedside in order to see where she was going, but his hand, however, grasped her arm pulling her back down next to him.

"Don't go."

She jerked her arm from him. "You just said you can barely stand being around me, so let me make it easier for you, Ichabod. I'm leaving."

His arms wrapped around her as he covered her body with his own. "No, you're not. You wanted to talk. We're talking."

She pushed at him, but he wouldn't budge. "And you said you didn't want to."

He leaned his forehead down to hers and sighed. "I need to sort this out, Katrina."

Shaking her head, she turned her face from him. "You should have left me there."

"What?"

"In Purgatory."

His hand slid to her neck to turn her gaze back to him. "How can you say that? That place was hell."

"This is hell," she admitted. "It's worse than any nightmare Moloch ever tortured me with and believe me, Ichabod, he did everything he could to attempt breaking my spirit."

"Katrina..."

"How could you doubt my love?" she whispered." I betrayed everything I knew for you."

A frown crossed his face. "You did that for the world."

"No, I didn't," she denied, shaking her head. "My betrayal of those around me started so much sooner than that. Abraham. My father. My coven. The masons. Even our son." Her words broke off at the thought of Jeremy. "I sacrificed all of it to be with you, to protect you."

His silence prodded her further.

"You can think whatever you want about me, but don't you ever doubt that I loved you with everything inside me. I didn't cast a spell over you, Ichabod. All I did was love you. That's all I've _ever_ done."

His eyes bore into hers for a moment as if searching before, suddenly, without any warning, his mouth covered hers. Once again, shock filled her as her breath was taken with his action. Unable to help herself, she returned the kiss, one so rough and deep, she was unsure of its meaning, but the need to feel him overshadowed any hesitation she might have had at his reasoning. As his tongue parted her lips, she bit back a moan as she felt his hands creeping down her sides for the hem of her shirt. Once he had it, he abruptly pulled from her long enough to hastily extract it from her body, then dove right back into her with another almost desperate kiss. It was all happening so quickly that she barely had time to process the fact that his hands were already at the top of her underwear, preparing to push them down her legs. Parting her mouth from his, she tried to form words, but they never came as his lips fell to her throat, burning kisses along her heating skin.

"Ichabod-"

His fingers came in contact with her center causing her body to jerk, pleasure ripping through her at his searching touch. She had no idea what was happening. Not five minutes ago, he was saying he wanted nothing to do with her and now he was touching her in ways she'd only imagined for centuries. As his mouth drug along her jaw line, she couldn't help the urge to shift her legs to get more friction against his fingers. That was when she felt his manhood pressing against her thigh, the very idea of it tearing a moan from her.

He desired her.

Knowing in the back of her mind that they shouldn't do this with the issues still between them, but unable to bring herself to tell him no, she wasted little time in sliding her hand down between them and slipping it inside his trousers, grasping him in her palm. His body froze for a moment as she began a light stroking along him. Taking the opportunity at his moment of distraction, she rolled them over to straddle him. Once she had her bearings, she leaned over him, her lips teasing his for a moment before she began maneuvering herself down his thighs, placing slow open mouthed kisses along his abdomen as her hand kept up its movements. Reaching the top of his trousers, she used her free hand to push them down his legs before she continued her trail of kisses further downward until her lips met his desire. His body jerked upward, his fingers tangling in her hair, as she swirled her tongue along the tip, taking in his taste. It was just as she remembered.

"Katrina..."

From his voice, she knew he wasn't far from his end. Neither was she. It had been entirely too long since she'd felt any sort of pleasure and, at the moment, just the feel of his desire in her hand and mouth was enough to nearly send her right over the edge. Sitting up, she pressed her hands to his chest as she maneuvered herself to hover just over him, more than ready to accept him within herself.

After she was sure she had his eyes, she slid down and had to gasp for breath at the utter pleasure that ripped through her body. Unable to stop her moan, she let her head fall back as she accepted him all the way in. Taking a moment to adjust, she felt him sit up, his hands grasping her hips as his mouth came to her ear, his warm breath setting every nerve she contained on edge.

"You feel so perfect."

His warm breath on her sent a shiver through her and her ability to remain still any longer vanished as she began a slow rocking of her hips against his, her hands sliding up his back for leverage. It felt so good to have him inside her again, filling her completely. It felt right.

It had been so very long since they'd been this way, just the two of them.

As his hips thrust up to meet hers, his mouth began a hot trail down her neck, pausing to nip at her collarbone, before eventually moving down to her breast. When he enveloped it within his warm mouth, she had to force herself not to pull his hair right out of his scalp. The feel of his tongue circling her hardened nipple nearly sent her into oblivion.

"Ichabod..."

His mouth left her, tempting her to glance down at him. Finding his eyes trained on her face, she leaned forward, laying her forehead to his.

"I love you."

At her words, his movements slowed and she feared she'd just brought him back to reality. Her fear, however, was put down as he suddenly flipped them over to hover over her once more, eyes never leaving hers. When he slid back into her, his thrusts became quicker and more erratic as his mouth found hers, his tongue immediately searching entrance inside her. Granting it to him, she gripped his shoulders as it delved to the far corners of her mouth before retracting to swirl around her own. As they fought for dominance, his mouth pressed so hard against hers, she could barely move her head against his unrelenting kiss.

As if he wasn't pleasing her enough, she felt the hand not tightly gripping her hair slide down along her hip, past her thigh, to grasp the juncture at her knee. When he reached it, he dug his fingers into her skin to pull her body tighter against his. The angle at which she was now at as his body moved within hers forced her to tear her mouth from his as she arched her head back into the pillow as deeply as she could.

"Ich-"

Her unfinished words fell away as the pressure in her lower belly began to build signaling that it was nearly over. It didn't take much longer for a wave of pleasure to rip through her causing her nails to dig into his back as her end flooded through her, her body jerking uncontrollably beneath his. It wasn't a moment before he followed her, his end sending a sudden warmth coursing within her.

After his completion, he collapsed against her, burying his face in her neck, his hot panting breaths washing over her skin.

They remained that way for a few moments, their bodies still entwined, simply catching their breaths. Then, with a sigh, he rolled off of her onto his back, his eyes closed.

Everything was like a blurry haze as her eyes attempted to adjust. Turning her head to the side, she observed his chest's movements slow before journeying to find his eyes now open, gazing at the ceiling.

Uncertainty clung to her. She hadn't the slightest idea what had just happened between them. One moment, he could barely stand the sight of her and the next, he was...

Sighing, she brought a hand to her eyes, wiping it down over them, doing her best to sort through her thoughts. It wasn't helping that her body was still tingling with fulfillment. They hadn't made love like that since the last time he returned home from a long mission. Their ability to keep their hands from each other in those moments always seemed to disappear as their passions flared.

"It feels the same." At his voice, she returned her gaze to him to find his eyes still on the ceiling. "How can it still feel so...I desire you in an almost painful way."

Not knowing what to say, she rolled to lie alongside him, her hand sliding to thread her fingers with his over his chest.

"I've never lain with another. It's only ever been you." His eyes found hers as he continued. "Is it that we're simply accustomed to one another?"

Swallowing down her uncertainty, she shook her head. "I can't speak for you, but...the reason it always feels so...wonderful to me is because I love you. I bind myself to you. I trust you with my heart and body. Everything that I am, I give to you in these moments."

His eyes left hers and returned to the ceiling. "I don't want to want you in such a way."

Pulling her eyes from his, she allowed them to rest on their entwined fingers as a feeling of hopelessness filled her. "What do you want me to do, Ichabod? Leave?"

"I don't know. I can't seem to get a handle on what I want any longer."

Frustrated, she leaned up to catch his eyes. "Well, you'd better figure it out. As much as I love you, I'm about one more insulting word from you to walking out that door and never coming back." He stared at her a moment forcing her to voice her deepest fear. "Do you want to be with her?"

A frown creased his features. "What?"

"Miss Mills. Do you desire to be with her in the way we just were?"

His eyes were the ones now on their fingers.

"You do, don't you? You want her." Every insecurity she had flooded to the surface. "Were you thinking about her while we made love?"

She tried to pull her hand from his, but he held her fast, his other hand sliding to her neck as he rolled them to where he once again had her trapped beneath him.

"Please-"

"I wasn't thinking of her just now," he admitted. "Unfortunately, you consumed my every thought and sense. I'll finally admit I'm angry, Katrina. That doesn't mean that another has entered my mind. You are the only one I have ever thought of in that way."

His hand left hers to slide down her neck, his eyes following it.

"I have loved you for so long." His fingers danced along her collar bone. "Tell me."

"Tell you what?" Slightly confused, she noticed his eyes dart from his hand back to hers.

"Tell me again that you love me."

Completely bewildered by his actions, she did as he asked. "I love you."

His eyes slid to her mouth, his fingers following them.

"Again."

Her hand slid to his arm. "Stop."

"No."

She knew he was bating her for some reason, but the why of it was lost to her. "Ichabod, I'm not allowing this if you don't tell me what's happening."

"All those times we made love. Some of the most intimate of moments we shared happened then. Those moments where we're so completely connected that the rest of the world melts away and it's just the two of us, completely bare before one another, exposed." He shook his head. "So many opportunities for you to tell me the truth."

Swallowing back her nerves, she whispered. "That's not fair."

"And there's another thing that's bothering me, something that's bothered me for a long while now." His gaze found hers. "I find it rather odd that in seven years of marriage, where we made love every opportunity we had, it was the last that you became with child." His eyes darkened. "Why is that, Katrina?"

Her breath caught and she tore her eyes from him, wanting to talk about anything else. "I don't know."

His grasped her chin, forcing her eyes back to his. "You're lying."

"Ichabod-" Her words broke off. "Please don't make me."

"I want the truth. I'm tired of your lies, Katrina. If you can't-"

"It wasn't the last," she finally blurted.

His dark expression changed to one of confusion. "What do you mean? We made Jeremy the last time we were together."

"Not Jeremy." She didn't want to do this. It would devastate him.

"What are you talking about?"

"Not all my secrets should be brought to light."

Clenching his jaw, he bit out, "I want the truth. You owe me the that, Katrina."

Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath before refocusing on him, placing a hand to his cheek. "Ichabod, my love...Jeremy wasn't our first baby."

As his body tensed against hers, dread filled every inch of her being. This was the last conversation in the world she ever wanted to have with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, Ichabod's a bit of a jerk in this. I usually write them so different than this because I adore them, but I went a different route with this one. I assure all my fellow Ichatrina lovers, I haven't completely fallen off my rocker.lol
> 
> Also, I, in no way, shape, or form, think this story even remotely resembles what will happen on the show, except maybe a distant echo of the first part. I mean yeah, a serious discussion needs to ensue and I would actually love a little angst in it, but you know, with an ultimate nice resolve. I've actually written four different season two Ichabod/Katrina conversations following their escapes that I'll post before the new season starts if anyone would like to continue reading my foaming at the mouth stories. This is most definitely the most angsty, though. So, with all that rambling done...let the drama keep ensuing ;)


	3. Chapter 3

_Part 3_

His eyes bore into her, unblinking. "Of course, he was. Jeremy is our only child."

"No," she whispered, sorrow filling her. "He's just the only one that survived."

She could tell from the way he was holding himself that he wasn't breathing.

"Ichabod-"

"How many?"

Tearing her eyes from him, she allowed them to fall closed. "Three."

"You're lying," he said immediately, causing her gaze to shoot back to his to find him on the verge of tears. "Stop lying to me. I would have known."

She wished more than anything that it was a lie.

"We were always so busy with our separate duties. Most of the time, all we had were nights together."

"When?"

Sucking in a desperate breath, she shook her head. "It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me."

Unable to speak, she had to hold back a sob as he gently entwined their fingers. "Tell me," he whispered. "Please."

Once again dropping her eyes from his, she attempted to pull herself together.

"The first was just after we married." Her body trembled and he shifted closer to her, his body once more flush against hers. "I'd only just discovered I was with child, when I..." She couldn't breathe. "It's normal, the first time. It happens often, but the thought that it was perhaps something I did haunted me. I was always so involved in my craft. I concluded that maybe one of my struggles had caused it."

He brought their hands up, brushing his lips over her knuckles.

"The second time, I didn't even know I was with child until I was losing it. It was just after you returned home from delivering a letter for the General. I was at the infirmary when it happened. It was just another day and then...You were visiting with the Reverend. When you came inquiring after me, I told the other nurse to tell you I was out, delivering a baby, and that I wouldn't be home that night."

Recognition passed across his face. "Katrina-"

She squeezed his hand. "Please, let me finish. If I don't-If I don't finish now..."

His nod was reluctant.

"I made sure after that baby that it wouldn't happen again and it didn't, not for five years. I was so careful, but then...we had that long stretch of time where we were apart for nearly half a year and when we saw each other again..."

"We stayed locked in our house for a solid week, daring anyone to interrupt us," he finished quietly.

She remembered that week perfectly. They'd remained wrapped up in each other the entire week, only ever leaving the security of the other's warmth out of necessity.

"I was so afraid when I realized what was happening. I immediately stopped working at the infirmary and had Alfred take over in my stead as leader of the coven. I tried so hard to..." Pausing, she sucked in a shaky breath. "I remained with child long enough to the point I was sure I'd carry it to term. I was even planning on telling you as soon as you returned home." Her fingers lovingly brushed along his cheek. "I knew how happy you would be. You always went on about creating a family and I was so desperate to fulfill your wish."

Unable to stop them, her tears came in a silent flow. "But then...she came too early."

"She?" The cracking of his voice tugged her gaze back to his. "We had a daughter?"

It took everything within her to force the knot in her throat down in order to continue. "I don't know why...I did everything I knew to do. I swear I did, Ichabod. I wanted her more than anything."

He remained silent for a moment as his eyes slid shut. "What did she-what did she look like?"

With ease, she recalled their beautiful child to the forefront of her mind. "She was so small, but...her hair was red."

His free hand slid to the side of her face, his fingers brushing though her identical locks. "Red?"

Nodding, she caught his eyes. "Her eyes were so blue. It was as if I were looking right into yours." Her eyes slid closed. "She just...her lungs weren't..." Her words broke off as another sob escaped her. "She couldn't breathe. I held her in my arms for only a few short minutes before..."

Absolute silence passed between them and if she hadn't felt the unsteady rise and fall of his chest over hers, she would have thought he wasn't even breathing.

Afraid to open her eyes, but knowing she had to, she found him silently weeping. The sight of her husband so broken tugged at her sanity.

"Ichabod..."

His eyes instantly snapped open to bore into hers, a deep torment swirling in his sea of blue. "How could you keep that from me? I deserved to know I was a father. She wasn't just yours, Katrina. None of them were."

"Because I wanted to spare you the pain of what you're feeling now," she whispered. "It nearly broke me to lose her, to lose each of them. I could not bring myself to allow you to feel that. You would have blamed yourself."

"With reason," he lowly breathed out as his body pressed even further into her, his arms sliding beneath her to hold her tightly to him. "I should have been with you. I should've..."

Gently stroking his face, she shook her head, desperate to stop the path of self-depreciating he was about to take. "There was nothing you could have done, my love. There was nothing anyone could have done."

His forehead leaned weakly into hers. "You named her."

"Lily."

Lilies had always been a sort of material embodiment of their intimacy. Ichabod had made it a habit to acquire one for her any moment he considered to be special. Those moments especially fell on mornings after they'd made love. He always said that their act was so pure and that the white lilies were the perfect representation of it.

"When I first gazed upon her, I thought about how pure she was, untouched by the evils of the world." Sliding her hand along his cheek, she allowed her fingers to brush his closed eyes. "She was so perfect, an actual image of our love made whole."

He sucked in a breath.

"Ichabod?"

When he didn't give any responsive action, she continued, "She's buried beneath that old oak that was in our back yard. I cast a spell. Year round, lilies bloom around her grave."

His arms tightened around her even further, his lips brushing her cheek when he spoke. "I'm sorry you went through this alone."

"It was my burden to bear," she whispered, turning her face into his, needing to comfort him in some way, any way. "I didn't want you to have to carry it. Despite our problems, I know you, Ichabod. I know you inside and out. Your mourning would never have ceased."

He always carried his feelings inside him, allowing them to eat away and take hold of his entire being.

"They shouldn't be forgotten."

"They won't be," she assured softly. "I've carried them in my heart for two and a half centuries, just as dearly as I now carry Jeremy's pain." With a regretful sigh, she ran a hand through his hair. "I wonder if things would have been different had he had a sister to lean on in our absence. They could have helped each other. They would have been less than a year and a half apart in age."

"I'm not sure anything could have saved Jeremy. The enemy wanted him desperately. We may have had two Horseman for children instead of one."

A heavy breath fell from her as she allowed her eyes to dance over him.

"I'm so sorry, my love. I never meant to hurt you. I promise, I didn't. I know I've made choices, selfish choices, but please understand I did them out of love. _Please_ see that."

His throat bobbed with his swallow as his eyes finally cracked to gaze into hers. The emotion he held behind them was overwhelming in its intensity.

For a moment, he simply gazed at her, his warm breath washing over her skin, the soft thump of his heart beating against her chest.

"Katrina-"

A knock echoed at the front door causing them both to jump at the intrusion on their solitude.

To her disappointment, Ichabod began untangling himself from her.

"It's the Lieutenant."

Nodding, even though his back was now to her, she sat up and watched him begin to pull his clothing on.

"Ichabod..."

They couldn't leave things like this.

He briefly glanced toward her after he pulled his shirt over his head. "I have to get the door."

His tired words were followed by yet another round of knocks.

As he exited the room, closing the door behind him, she fell back against the bed with a heavy breath.

Bringing a hand to her eyes, she did her best to gain control of her out of control emotions. They had been doing so well, covered so much ground, but now...now it was morning and their moment was gone, the looming uncertainty that it would ever be regained filled her completely.


	4. Chapter 4

_Part 4_

Pulling her shirt onto her shoulders, she buttoned it with a sigh before looking herself over in the mirror. It was so different to see herself in clothes such as these. Each and every morning, she still found herself completely bewildered.

Trousers were by far the last article of clothing she'd ever thought of herself as wearing.

With a last glance at herself, she bent over to pull on her boots before making her way to the door through which her husband had disappeared.

Upon entering the front of the cabin, she found Abbie leaning against the back of the sofa as Ichabod tilted a cup of coffee back while rubbing at his eyes.

He had to be exhausted. She certainly knew she was as neither of them had slept in the slightest the night before.

"Good morning, Miss Mills."

Abbie turned to her with an annoyed smile. "Hey, I'm glad you're out here." She jerked a thumb at Ichabod. "Maybe you can corral your husband. He's in quite the cheerful mood this morning. It's like looking at a ray of sunshine."

Casting another glance at him, she nodded. "With reason. He didn't exactly get much sleep last night."

Ichabod shot her a glare causing her to roll her eyes. As if she would actually tell Abbie what they had done.

"He didn't get in until late."

Abbie shrugged as she walked over to set her cup down. "Well, I'm not grumpy, Crane, which means you don't get to be either."

His jaw flexed with a huff as he picked up Washington's Bible and sat at the table.

Abbie glanced at her with raised eyebrows. "Is it just me, or is he moodier than usual?"

Sighing irritably, Katrina took a seat across from him. Coincidentally, they were once again across from each other, just as they'd been the night before.

When Abbie took a seat at the head of the table and began discussing certain theories, Katrina leaned back in her chair, her eyes taking in the two of them, doing her best not to be jealous of the clear intimacy they shared. It didn't help matters in the least that Abbie was a beautiful woman with quite the fiery personality. Katrina knew how much Ichabod appreciated women who spoke their minds. It was one of the reasons he always gave for loving her. He'd always said it was the second thing that had struck him most about her when they'd first met; this quality, of course, following her overwhelming beauty. His ideas of her never failed to cause a warmth to fill her under the guise of her supreme annoyance with him.

She became so wrapped up in her staring at Abbie that it took her a moment to realize Ichabod was staring directly at her.

Catching his eyes for a moment, she took in his frown before she cleared her throat and stood.

"It looks like the two of you have everything well in hand."

Abbie glanced up, a confused expression filling her features. "Are you leaving? We were gonna go over some stuff we found last night."

"Yes," she replied before glancing at Ichabod with a resolute gaze. "You don't need me."

Pulling her eyes from his still present frown, she moved to the door, grabbing a coat as she went.

* * *

It was gone. Her home. Her life here. Lost to memory. The only thing that remained were the trees surrounding her.

Kneeling beneath the old oak, she ran her fingers over the white lilies. At least they remained. A small comfort in the memory of her daughter.

With a heavy breath, she sank completely to the ground, bringing her knees up in front of her and wrapping her arms around them. She didn't want to accept the reality of her life now. Her future had once been so bright, so full of hope. Now, though, she felt as if the very world itself was against her.

Her coven was gone. Her beautiful baby had grown to become one of the greatest evils that now walked the earth. Her husband despised the very air she breathed. What did she have left?

A gentle breeze danced around her, sweet laughter on the air.

Lifting her head, she glanced into the woods surrounding her. They could have had so much more. She could almost see the life they should have lived, one where she and Ichabod were normal people. Jeremy would have been raised in a loving home, most likely with plenty of brothers and sisters to keep him company. She and Ichabod would have created a happy, beautiful family together.

Returning her head to its resting place in her arms, she allowed her silent tears to dampen her sleeves. If only their happiness hadn't been so violently torn from them.

After a while of the sounds of nature attempting to comfort her, a sinking sensation began to fill her senses. Just as she was about to react upon it, she realized exactly what it was.

He was watching her.

Stubbornly refusing to move from her spot, she waited for him to come to her, which he finally did after a few more minutes passed.

As he sat next to her upon the ground, she remained still, her head still buried in the safety of her arms.

"They're beautiful."

With a sigh, she lifted her head to glance at him. His gaze was firmly planted on the dancing lilies.

"I'm at a loss as to why I never noticed them before."

"To anyone who wasn't in search of them, they would appear as nothing more than weeds. "

His gaze came to her, a slight astonishment on his face. "You can do that?"

The roll of her eyes was unable to be contained. "There are many things I can do, Ichabod. I wasn't the leader of a coven simply because I could cast a small enchantment upon some flowers."

Being cold with Ichabod was something she rarely ever did, but at the moment, after weeks of his complete and utter disregard for her, she couldn't help herself.

His eyes darted about her face before a frown formed. "You're angry with _me_ , now?"

Biting back her urge to slap him, she tightened her grip on her legs. "I'm not angry."

"Yes, you are. You've pulled on your unreadable face. Your hands are balled into fists. Your entire body is tensed. You-"

"Fine," she snapped, releasing her arms and legs so she could turn to him. "I'm angry."

An indignant glare crossed his face. "You have no right. I'm the one who was lied too for ten years by the woman who supposedly loved me."

Narrowing her eyes, she returned, "I have no right!? I have _every_ right. Instead of working out our problems like an adult, you decided to spend the last month making me feel as though I were less than worthy of you." She shook her head, a slight feeling of disgust consuming her. "And then for you to do what you did last night. For you to take my body in such a way, only to then tell me that you wished you didn't want me at all?"

He moved to speak, but she held up a hand. "You have more cause than anyone to be upset, to hate me even. I lied to you...so many times. I snuck out of our bed on numerous occasions to meet with my coven. I followed you and made sure your travels were safe." At that, his eyes widened causing a look of annoyance to cross her face. "Do you really think we would allow the Witness to venture off without protection? At any given time, someone was always watching you, whether it was another soldier in your regiment, or a nurse on the battlefield. You never did anything without my knowing it."

She paused to collect herself. "I admit that I have made mistakes. Perhaps I should have told you the truth, but my concern for your safety always stayed my words." Fixing him with a serious look, she asked the questions she had been prepared to address last night, before she had allowed her emotions to flow freely. "Tell me the truth, Ichabod. If I had told you who I was, who you were, do you think your life would have been safer? Would you have trusted people?" His mouth opened slightly before closing almost immediately at her stern gaze. "Or do you think your knowledge that a demon could be hiding under the skin of your best friend would have made you paranoid? Do you think you would have allowed me out of your sight ever again? Knowing what I was doing? The danger I was _constantly_ in?"

She took a moment to allow her questions to sink in as his gaze left her to return to the lilies. "I wanted to permit you as much time at a normal life as I could, before everything changed and your destiny called. Every choice that I made, every secret I kept, was for you, for the betterment of your life."

A heavy silence fell between them.

After a while, he shook his head. "Perhaps the secrets of your supernatural life were necessary." She knew there was more. There always was with Ichabod. "But the secrets you kept about our marriage were reprehensible, Katrina."

Her stance faltered slightly. "You mean the babies."

His gaze turned back to her, a deep sadness overlaying a burning anger present in his eyes. "There is no excuse in any world for you to keep that from me. No reason you can conjure would be good enough to constitute you keeping the fact that we created three children before Jeremy from me."

His eyes darted about her face.

"Four pieces of us, Katrina," he whispered before asking, "Were you ever going to tell me about them?"

Dropping her eyes from his, she allowed her gaze to settle on the grass beneath them.

"I don't know."

"You don't know? That's it? You have nothing further to add to that less than satisfactory statement?"

She had no response for him other than continued avoidance.

"Katrina." His hand slid to her chin, gripping it and forcing her eyes to his. "I want an answer."

The barely contained rage behind his blue orbs was seething.

"I _told_ you why last night," she answered, jerking free of his hand. "I suppose if my wanting to spare you pain isn't good enough, you can invent something. As I recall, you tend to have an overactive imagination. Perhaps, I simply enjoyed getting pregnant and having miscarriages," she bit out, thrusting a hand at the lilies. "It was quite the thrill. And the pain, well that was just wonderful. The aftermath as well. When you weren't there, I had the perfect opportunity to lounge around in our bed all day, weeping uncontrollably just to amuse myself." She forced out a chuckle as she fixed him with a glare. "I lied, alright? I'm a liar, Ichabod, a very good liar. What more do you want me to say? Do you want an apology?" She threw her hands up. "I am sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. You're right. There's no excuse and you did have a right to know. I just..."

She ran a hand though her hair desperately trying to control her emotions as she searched for the right words. "I made a mistake. Haven't you ever done anything you wish you could take back?"

His silence was too much as he once again turned from her.

"Ichabod," she whispered, moving closer to him. "I know why you're really angry."

His eyes never left the lilies. "Do you?"

Bringing a hand up to push his fallen hair behind his ear, she smiled sadly. "If I had told you about them, you would have dropped everything for me. You would have crawled into our bed, wrapped your arms around me, and wept for however long I wept and then some." A lone tear made its way down his face. "I stole your moment to grieve, your moment to grieve _with_ me."

Sighing, she moved even closer to him, resting her face in the crook of his neck. "I wept for our children in solitude and the result is you're being forced to hold it all in now. I stole your opportunity to properly mourn them and for that I will never forgive myself." Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she whispered, "Let it out, my love. You don't have to be strong. Let me help you as I know you would have helped me."

And like a small child, he fell into her and wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so my four part story is actually a five part story. One more to go.


	5. Chapter 5

_Part 5_

"Do you think we would have been good parents?"

Slightly startled, she paused in her movements. It'd been quite some time since either of them had spoken.

At present, his head was in her lap, his body laid out on the grass, as she stroked his hair.

The first real smile she'd conjured all day crept over her. "I think we would have been the most envied parents in all of Sleepy Hollow."

She noticed his own small smile appear as he fiddled with some grass beneath his hand. "Really?"

Nodding, she lovingly ran her fingers through his hair. "Oh, yes. You would have been the instigator of many a prank. Our children and their friends would have come to you for knowledge on how best to terrify the ladies about town." He chuckled. "And I would have been the mother that ruined every plan you concocted with a better one of her own."

"You would have been the mother that every lad about town would have wanted our daughters to grow to look like."

A light laugh escaped her. "Is that so?"

He shifted to gaze up at her. "I love you."

Her breath hitched.

This was the first time he'd said he loved her since before he died centuries ago.

"You do?"

His hand slid to rest over the one she still had tangled in his hair. "More than the very air I breathe."

Disbelieving she was hearing the correct words from him, everything within her remained frozen. "But what about what you said? About how you couldn't trust me any longer? And that you didn't want to want me?"

A heavy breath fell from him. "I was angry when I said those things. At the time, I thought they were true. I thought the person I had married and given my heart to wasn't real, that the person you were then and the person you are now were different people because of your secrets. I let my fear of the unknown rule me."

"And now?" she whispered.

Hope had entered her and she feared at any moment his words would tear it to pieces.

His eyes darted about her face. "I know you would never do anything to hurt me, not intentionally anyway. I also realize that you were doing everything within your power to protect me." He pushed himself up and gently cupped her face. "Katrina, swear to me. Swear to me that this all, that there are no more secrets between us."

Closing her eyes for a moment, she sighed. "I knew you for ten years, Ichabod, seven of which we were married. To air out all of the little lies I told would be impossible." She caught his eyes. "But I _swear_ there are no more as large as the ones involving what you already know."

"Good," he whispered in an almost too quiet voice. "Then, I swear to you that I will never cease in my devotion to you as your husband. I will love you as I always have. I swear."

With that promise, he resolutely leaned forward and brushed his lips over hers, his hands sliding into the hair along her ears.

Her heart felt as though it were going to explode with untold joy.

After a moment of tender kisses, he pulled back just enough to catch her eyes. "My pride is screaming at me to remain silent, but I feel the unavoidable urge to beg for your forgiveness." His eyes fell. "I know I don't deserve it, especially with what I did to you last night."

"Ichabod-"

"No," he cut in with a serious gaze. "I demeaned our love last night by taking what I wanted from you with little regard for how you felt. Don't deny that you're disgusted with me."

The last of his words came out broken and nearly indecipherable.

Not wanting him to continue with his self-depreciation, she brought her hand up to rest along his cheek. "You didn't take anything I wasn't more than willing to give you."

"But-"

Sliding her finger to his lips, she shook her head. "There is no but, Ichabod. I willingly surrendered myself to you just as I have so many times in the past."

A small smile crept over her ace. "Besides, if you set aside the fact that I'm a far more powerful person than yourself, who could have torn you to pieces last night had I wanted, it's not as if we've never made love while angry at each other before."

His eyes told the story of his doubt.

"We've never been that angry, Katrina."

She raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps your memory is failing you in your old age, _sir_ , but I specifically remember quite the heated tantrum when I showed up in General Washington's tent to inform you I was the new head field nurse."

A defiant look creased his features. "I wasn't throwing a tantrum."

"You drug me right out of his tent, into the dark forest, and then proceeded to order me to go home."

He rolled his eyes. "I didn't order you. I simply expressed a wish."

Eyes wide, she shoved at his shoulder. "You did, too, and when I refused, you roughly took me right there!"

A small smirk appeared as he leaned forward, his warm breath washing over her. "I don't recall you complaining."

Not wanting to give the appearance to caving in too easily, she dodged his lips and slid her mouth to his ear.

"Well, for future reference, just keep in mind that if I ever find reason to complain, you're essentially powerless next to me." Placing a kiss to his jaw, she pulled back satisfied and added, "I can punish you however I see fit."

The look he gave was caught somewhere between disdain and desire.

A forced chuckle escaped him as he pushed himself to his feet and held his hand out to her. "The Lieutenant is surely angry with my delay. I informed her I would meet her at the archives just as soon as I found you. We should return."

Nodding, she accepted his hand, as well as his subject change, and allowed him to pull her up.

When she was standing before him, she tightened her hold on him, one last piece of business on her mind.

"I like her. Miss Mills."

A broad smile lit his face. "You do?"

His joy at knowing she didn't hate his best friend and partner was exceedingly apparent.

"Yes. I owe her a great deal. I admit... I was jealous of her." He opened his mouth, but she hurried her explanation before he could speak. "Not because of anything to do with your feelings toward her, but simply because she was able to be there for you where I could not. I was so frustrated with being trapped while you suffered here in a world you didn't know, a world I forced you into. I wanted so desperately to help you, but I couldn't, and I was aware that she could. She was able to spend time with you." Her gaze fell to their hands as she slid her thumb over his knuckles. "Touch you, even." She allowed her eyes to fall closed for a moment as she took a deep breath before meeting his gaze once more. "She has been your rock in my absence. I felt so much guilt over my not being able to be there for you and it manifested itself into a bit of jealousy because she _was_ able." With a shrug, she gave a hopeful smile. "I only hope she and I can find a way to become friends as well."

His fingers threaded through hers. "I'm sure you will, my love."

Unable to resist the opportunity, she added, "Besides, how could I not like a woman who puts you in your place nearly as well as I do?"

He chuckled as his gaze fell once more to the lilies. "Do you think we'll have another?"

Eyes trained on his, she smiled, knowing exactly what he meant. "I'm sure we will." Tightening her grip on his, she pulled him closer as she slid her arms about his waist. "We weren't exactly careful last night."

His eyes widened as he glanced down to her belly. "You mean...?"

Shrugging, she slid a hand to his face. "It's possible, but...I think it would be more prudent if we didn't at the moment." Regret filled her. "I wish more than anything I could drag you home and demand you fill me with child, but...I think it would be best to deal with the one we already have before creating another."

He nodded despondently. "Do you believe there is hope for him?"

"I'm not sure," she whispered. "But I do know I'll never stop trying to save him."

"I will fight for him as long as I can," he promised with a small sigh. "But...he's the Horseman of War, Katrina. What if we can't..." His words fell away. "We may have to make a very hard choice soon."

The very thought crippled her. "I can't think about that right now, not yet. There is always hope."

He nodded. "Hope is best. For now, we shall go forth with every intention to save him. Anything else can be considered at a later time."

With a nod, she allowed him to lead her away.

After a few minutes of walking, she had a thought.

"Ichabod?"

"Yes, my love?"

A small smile lit her face. "Despite our decision to wait, I think it would be alright to put in a bit more practice."

He glanced at her with a frown. "What?"

She leaned up to brush her lips over his ear. "I think Miss Mills can wait another hour...or two."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ends my depressing little fic. It did have a bit of a happy ending though. Hope it was enjoyable!
> 
> And just a note: I have a one shot of Ichabod's tantrum at Katrina's arrival as head field nurse written that I'll post sometime this week. Until then...


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